Abuela, Don't Forget Me

“She may forget. And one day, I may forget too. But for now, the memories are captured, like insects in amber, ready to survive for millions of years. My memories of a wonderful woman are written in words and verses and fragments in this book, unable to be unwritten. And if it is forgotten, it can always be read again.”

Ogle shares his purpose in writing his memoir: To record Abuela’s love and support for him that, once written, can never be erased. He compares the text to an “insect in amber”—something that will stand the test of time, even after they are gone. The final lines acknowledge Abuela’s fading memory but celebrate the fact that even if forgotten, he can always share the poems with her again, reigniting the memories of the love she gave him. This passage speaks to The Healing Potential of Storytelling and Poetry.

“‘Te amo. Te amo siempre.’ ‘What’s that mean?’ ‘It means, I love you. I love you forever.’ So I try to say it, ‘Tea ammo sim-pray.’”

This quote is an early example of the text’s use of bilingualism—English and Spanish. Ogle chooses not to italicize the Spanish words, which encourages the reader to interpret the dual language as blended and cohesive. The Spanish language is an important way in which Ogle connects with his Mexican heritage, which he shares with Abuela. Ogle’s Spanish will improve throughout the text, but sometimes he will even resent his Mexican heritage because it makes him different. This early quote showing Ogle stumbling over the foreign language is an illustration of his love for Abuela and desire to speak to her in her first tongue.

“I slap my own face. ‘I did it wrong. I’m so dumb.’ ‘Do not hit yourself. You were very close. Try again.’”

Ogle’s extreme reaction to saying “te amo siempre” incorrectly alludes to the way that Ogle’s mother treats him, contrasting with how Abuela responds to his outburst. Ogle’s reaction echoes how Ogle’s mother does not encourage Ogle and may even use physical and verbal abuse toward him. Abuela extends love and patience to Ogle, telling him that he is smart and that he just has to try again.

“‘You speak English,’ Mom interrupts, her tone hard like an old hammer, ‘and you are my son. Not hers.’”

This quote introduces the reader to Ogle’s mother and her attitude toward Abuela. Ogle employs a simile to describe his mother’s voice when she hears Abuela and Ogle speaking Spanish. In comparing her tone to an old hammer, Ogle evokes the bang of a hammer, loud and painful. Mom’s stance toward Spanish and her own Mexican heritage is clear in this quote: She wants Ogle to speak English and to distance herself from Spanish. There is also a sense of ownership in the latter part of the quote—she tells Ogle that he is her son, not Abuela’s, although her actions often betray a lack of interest in actually raising him or treating him as more than property.

“But love is not gratitude. You must be polite. Always say por favor y gracias. To everyone. Even a cashier or janitor. Everyone deserves respect.”

This quote is an example of the positive influence Abuela has on Ogle’s life, as well as lending insight into Abuela’s perspective on the world. Abuela is someone who believes in respecting others regardless of their status in life: Cashiers and janitors are equally deserving of respect as someone from a higher social station. Abuela frequently shares about her upbringing in Mexico, in which she and her family lived in poverty. Her background has shaped the way she now moves through the world and her desire to impart similar values to Ogle, speaking to The Impact of Childhood Experiences on Adult Life.

“I know she did not forget, she just didn’t know 

we were coming. I am not mad, like my mom. 

I know Abuela and the lemonade, will be there in the morning, 

whether my mom is here, or not.”

This quote provides important context for the dichotomy between Ogle’s abuela and Mom. Although Abuela is caught off-guard by their visit and therefore does not have lemonade waiting for them like she usually does, Ogle implicitly knows that the lemonade, along with Abuela, will be there tomorrow. In contrast, Ogle knows to expect unreliability from his mother: She is erratic and quick to anger, and Ogle is unsure whether mom will be “here, or not” in the morning. Abuela and Mom are foils to one another: Stability and instability, calm and unpredictability, respectively.

“I stick my tongue out at Mom, 

and run out the front door, 

not caring about the shouting 

I have started 

and 

left 

far 

behind. 

Because I know… 

it will be waiting for me when I return. 

It always is.”

Ogle uses enjambment to describe running away from his mother and her shouting. Enjambment is the continuation of a sentence over a line break. In this quote, it serves as almost a visual representation of Ogle running away from his mother, each line break taking him further from her echoing shrieks. He leaves her behind, knowing that the yelling will be there when he returns, illustrating the well-worn dynamic between Ogle and his mother.

“Shame so heavy, 

greater than the pressure in my ears when I 

touch the bottom of the deep end, 

weighted, piercing 

more than the sidewalk burning my soles, 

as if their words 

are burning my soul.”

Ogle expresses the weight of his shame following the racist taunting he receives at the pool, using a metaphor to compare the heaviness of the shame to the weight of the water pushing down on him at the bottom of the pool. This quote illustrates how racism does not just affect people emotionally. It can have a physical impact as well, as he describes the experience of hearing the slurs like a piercing or burning, something that physically harms his body and psyche.

“This. 

This is all of me 

as taken in by the mirror: 

a striped animal, a human zebra, 

painted wrong 

by god’s own hand.”

The poem “mirror” explores Ogle’s changing perception of himself after the incident at the pool, and the effects of racism on his burgeoning identity. As Ogle takes in the many shades of white and brown that make up his body, he reduces himself to something less than human, a striped animal or a human zebra—something unnatural or “wrong.” This quote illustrates how the taunting comments he received at the pool shape his self-perception, making him think that he is somehow a mistake.

“I say, ‘You talk funny sometimes.’ 

Abuela’s smile fades. 

‘It is not funny. It is Spanish.’”

As Ogle begins grappling with his biracial identity, struggling with the idea of being “different” from the white children who taunt him, he begins to put distance between himself and Abuela’s Mexican identity. This quote encapsulates that shift: Whereas before Ogle stumbled through repeating Abuela’s Spanish words, wanting to speak the same language as her, now he calls Spanish “funny.” It is clear Abuela senses this shift as well as her smile fades, feeling alienated by the grandchild whom she has poured so much into. Here, the Spanish language once more functions as an important motif of their sense of identity and the strength or weakness of their connection.

“Abuela never says that. 

She never says I’m in the way. 

She never says that I’m bad. 

But if Mom and Dad and Sam all say it, 

maybe Abuela is wrong.”

This quote illustrates the continuing decline in Ogle’s self-perception. Whereas in childhood, much of Ogle’s identity rested on the love of Abuela, now that there are growing influences outside of her (like Sam, children at school, Mom), her love alone is not enough to inoculate him from his growing doubt about his worth. There is a growing dichotomy in this part: While Abuela never makes Ogle feel anything less than worthy and loved, he is increasingly struggling to ignore or drown out the negative messaging he receives from his parents and Sam. As his self-worth dwindles, he begins to question whether Abuela could, in fact, be wrong about him.

“‘You dance like a girl.’ 

I smile at the compliment 

before realizing, 

it was not meant as one.”

Enjambment is used again in this quote to emphasize how small Sam makes Ogle feel. The line break between “I smile at the compliment / before realizing” mirrors the way that the insult slowly sinks in for Ogle. At first, he smiles, thinking that Sam is affirming him for the first time. Instead, the true intention of Sam’s comment slowly dawns on Ogle, tearing him down once more.

“I don’t know why 

Mom is mad all the time 

but I suspect it has to do with the bruises 

colored like plum and yellow squash and 

bright red poppies 

that hide beneath her long-sleeved shirts 

and denim jeans, 

gifts from Sam 

so she does not forget him.”

This quote illustrates one of the few times in the text where the author invites readers to experience sympathy for his mother. Her anger and erratic nature are partially explained here through the simile of comparing the colors of her bruises to the deep purple of plums, the yellow of squash, and the vibrant red of poppies. Her desire to cover these marks indicates a shame and knowledge that her relationship with Sam is deeply troubled. There is also the sense, however, that Mom does not feel she can escape. Ogle describes the bruises as “gifts”—using irony to highlight how wrong their relationship and the physical violence is.

“I watch Abuela holding my brother. 

She rocks him, cradles him, 

and I wish I were little again, 

so she would rock and cradle me.”

The birth of Ogle’s half-brother, Ford, is another major change in Ogle’s young life, highlighting the feelings of intense jealousy and longing that Ogle experiences as he watches Abuela hold his baby brother. Significantly, Ogle’s jealousy is not over his mother’s divided attention but Abuela’s. Watching her hold Ford, Ogle wishes for nothing more than to once more be a baby, illustrating that while he is older now, he still feels as vulnerable and needy as an infant, craving the love and attention that he knows can only come from Abuela.

“The rest of her visit, I stay mad. 

I call her Grandma instead of Abuela because 

all I can hear is the way she says jes instead 

of yes, 

as if reminding me, being different is wrong.”

After the incident with the neighbors, who make fun of Abuela’s accent, Ogle wants to further distance himself from her and her Mexican identity, which makes them “different” and therefore, according to Ogle, wrong. Calling her “Grandma” instead of “Abuela” is a way for Ogle to feel some proximity to whiteness, which he unknowingly perceives as superior or more normal. His lashing out at Abuela in this way indicates his own deepening internalized racism, which pushes him further away from not only Abuela but his own identity and sense of well-being.

“Remembering, 

I carry the book 

and the tape 

and put them both in the freezer.”

While the middle parts of the text illustrate Ogle’s increasing challenges with family and inner conflict, this moment he shares with Ford shows how Abuela continues to exert considerable influence over Ogle’s life and actions, invoking The Impact of Childhood Experiences on Adult Life. When Ford becomes scared of the book on tape, Ogle immediately takes the book and tape and puts it in the freezer, as his abuela once did for him. This small action not only shows his inherent care toward his younger brother but also how Abuela’s lessons and kindness still have influence over Ogle even as he struggles with his identity.

“you are worth 

investing in. You are special. 

One day, you will do great things. 

If you work hard.”

Abuela’s unwavering support of Ogle, and her insistence that he believes in himself as much as she believes in him, speaks to The Transformative Power of Unconditional Love. However, Abuela also puts the onus of responsibility on Ogle: She tells him he can achieve great things and that he is special (something inherent), but that he needs to use those skills and put them to work. He will not achieve anything without putting forth the effort necessary to succeed, which encourages Ogle to believe in his own abilities, not just rely on Abuela’s praise and belief to carry him.

“These are my words. 

They do matter. 

And she did hit me, all she wanted. 

But I wrote. 

And I still write. 

I will always write. 

No one can stop me from writing. 

My words are mine, 

with a voice given to me 

by my abuela.”

This scene is an important development in Ogle’s identity. Instead of letting Mom’s anger and violence prevent him from writing, he draws strength from Abuela’s support to believe in himself and his voice. This is one of the first instances the author gives in which he argues back against his mother and her violence, asserting his strength and refusing to compromise himself or his desires to be palatable to her impossible standards. It also indicates that Ogle’s sense of self-worth is growing, as he genuinely believes that his words do matter. He shows that he has taken Abuela’s lessons to heart: With his journal, he can develop his own voice through The Healing Potential of Storytelling and Poetry.

“Once you have an education? 

No one can ever take it away. 

Once you have learned something, 

that is yours forever.”

Abuela expounds upon the importance of education, imbuing it through personification as something tangible, as if it were a currency that Ogle could collect and hold onto. The quote illustrates Abuela’s perception of education, something she hopes to impart to Ogle as well. She understands that for Ogle, someone whose parents have not provided him with the stability she desires for him, it is even more important for Ogle to feel that he has something that belongs to him alone, something that cannot be taken away from him despite the whims of his mother.

“‘God will provide.’ ‘He hasn’t so far.’ ‘He has. He gave you me.’”

Religion is a recurrent motif within the text and one that Ogle struggles with. He does not inherently believe in God or put faith in the ideas of Christianity; however, Abuela has a deeply rooted faith. Ogle often struggles to see, with all he has endured, how God could be looking out for him, but his perception is challenged when Abuela points out that she is in his life—perhaps someone that God gave him to intercede and change the path of his life.

“I lie awake 

watching the moon outside the window 

watching me 

feeling something new inside the dark recesses of my soul… 

some dim light 

shining 

the 

tiniest 

beam 

of 

hope. 

I am not sure if I believe in God 

but I believe in angels, 

or at least one angel. 

Her name is Abuela.”

Ogle’s participation in the Junior Scholars program is a powerful experience, one he would not have even attempted without the support and help of Abuela. Although he does not identify with the religious aspects of the program, Abuela’s hand in his life, steering him toward opportunity and the belief that he can achieve great things, elevates her to an angelic or Heavenly figure in his life. She is his source of faith, the steadfast support and stability that were necessary in his otherwise unstable and chaotic life. Ogle’s faith is therefore in The Transformative Power of Unconditional Love.

“This. 

This is all of me 

as taken in by the mirror: 

still a striped animal, a human zebra, 

but 

standing taller, 

painted beautiful, 

by Abuela’s own hand.”

Echoing a quote from earlier in the text, this quote illustrates the growth and profound effect that living with Abuela has brought to Ogle, reflecting The Impact of Childhood Experiences on Adult Life. Once he moves in with Abuela, his life of instability and chaos settles into a predictable routine. He can focus and rest in the understanding that he can trust and rely on Abuela, which encourages him to trust and rely on himself. This helps develop positive self-perception and worth: Whereas before, Ogle looked at himself and saw a “human zebra” as something unnatural or wrong, now he sees the same body but in a more loving light. “God’s hand” has been exchanged for Abuela’s—the love, attention, and confidence she gives him has changed his perception of himself and his ability to look at himself in love rather than hate.

“I have been controlled too long, 

by Mom 

by violence 

by hate 

by the closet. 

I am done being controlled. 

The choice is easy 

because I have no choice. 

I was born this way.”

Although this quote precedes one of the darkest periods of Ogle’s life in New Orleans, he accepts his identity. This poem employs repetition to emphasize the different things in Ogle’s life that have controlled him for too long: violence, his mother, hate, the metaphorical closet he lived in to hide his sexuality. Ogle interrupts the list with a line break before the phrase “I am done being controlled”—indicating a new path forward for Ogle, living in his truth and accepting himself for who he has always been, no longer seeking approval from others.